friends?

now this got me thinking for quite a while. who really are my friends? the fact that i don't really have much friends struck me hard. all these while, i thought that it's ok to have just a handfull of friends. the important thing is to appreciate them. a few friends would do just as long as they understand me, and i know what they want. quantity didn't really matter to me until just a few days ago..

are friends really that important? to me, they are people who come and go throughout our life, and i should learn to live life and let go of things. but recently, the way i see this has changed. it's like people are meant to have friends in life. the more the merrier perhaps. whenever i log on to those circle of friends' pages i got so worked up i feel like closing my own account. there is this kind of jealousy stuck in me that always remind me of how lame i am. i know comparing myself to others won't get me anywhere, coz no matter how hard i try to compare, it'll just create more negative thoughts about myself. i'm getting a bit emo here, call me a weirdo, who cares?

how do i handle people around me? now that's a big question to me. i am never good in it, and everyone i know sure notice this. how to react when i accept? how to react when i decline? how not to hurt people when what i say will hurt? how to carry myself around people? how not to sound dominant when you wanna be heard? how not to be timid when i'm in a group? and most of all, how not to make myself look so lame? i can't get these answered, and that's why i prefer to have a handful of friends, who know me for what i am, and who accept me for who i am.

but sometimes, i feel that i don't really know who my friends really are. i may say i know someone, but what do i know about him/her? what makes me think i'm his/her friend? and what makes THEM think i'm their friend? it is very depressing to have these thoughts, i know. but it's all part and parcel of self discovery, isn't it?

once too often i question myself about this. but i always end up without answers, and leave the matter to rest until the question resurface itself. maybe i'm a psycho? i need professional help? befrienders perhaps? i don't really care much whether i'm a psycho or not, like any other teenager, i just wanna be noticed!